An Open Letter to Amy Schumer: Please Allow Me to Show You a Proper Dump

Hi, A-Schu.

I can call you that, right?

Because you’ve always seemed quite approachable and awesome, so I feel like we’re friends. Not quite BFFs, but close: If I’m being honest, I may or may not have imagined a TMZ story headlined “Troublemaking Trifecta,” in which J-Law, A-Schu and M-Bye were spotted together on the crystal blue waters of Lake Tahoe, riding a jet ski.

Well, J-Law and A-Schu were riding the jet ski. M-Bye was likely on the shore, under a sensible hat, reading a proper book.

(Probably important to note at this juncture: The crystal blue waters of Lake Tahoe are, bt-dubs, only 40 minutes from Reno, Nevada. But more on that later.)

So anyhow. Back to my point.

Today, my one-third of a BFF necklace lost a little of its luster, because you said something that utterly hurt my feelings.

You said the following in a BBC interview: that the worst place you can imagine spending a weekend is “Reno, Nevada,” because it’s “a dump.”

So I thought I’d bring something to your attention. Just in case perhaps you missed this lesson at some point in your early childhood landfill education.

This is a dump:

This is Reno, Nevada:

Now I can sorta see the source of the confusion. I mean, in both pictures above, there are a shit-ton (pardon the expression) of similarities.

Each one features things. Each is a picture, and each has lots of things. Things and things and things.

And colors, too. All kinds of them.

It’s almost scary how much the things and colors and things in both pictures above are similar because there are things and colors and things in both pictures above.

But that’s really where the similarities end.

Unless…

Maybe there’s a reason for your patently erroneous statement. Maybe it’s not to be taken at face value.

And in light of this realization, I’ve devised six possible scenarios for why you said what you said when you said it.

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1. You’re speaking in code.

We get it. Your brother’s son’s teacher’s aunt’s postal carrier’s tailor’s brother wanted you to send a secret message, so you decided to do him a solid: You’d find a way to slip “Reno, Nevada” into an interview. It was random, but that’s the point: You wanted something arbitrary to commemorate the connection. And while we completely understand someone of your stature needing to talk in code, we just hope that perhaps next time, you consider using “Reno, Nevada” as a response when someone asks you something to the effect of, “If you could name the next Crayola color, what would it be?”

And we concur, that would be an absolutely brilliant name for a Crayola shade. Might we recommend it to accompany one of the many Monet-inspired watercolor hues? You know, like those of the skies over Reno, Nevada:

2. You’re handing us a well-deserved microphone.

Maybe YOU get it. You know how passionate we Renoites are about our spectacular town. You knew we’d jump to its defense. You are using your celebrity superpowers for good: to amplify our cause — and with an international audience, no less!

Wow! Thank you!

In retrospect, we can see now that you basically thought about it for a moment, and in that instant of reflection, thought to yourself, “Huh. I should totally say ‘Reno, Nevada,’ in order to give the people from Reno, Nevada a chance to post pictures, shout from the rooftops why they love where they live and make everyone else in the entirety of the United States jealous of the year-round awesomeness that is Reno, Nevada.”

Well mission accomplished. And thank you again.

So true to your goal, here are just three quick reasons we love Reno, Nevada:

-> Because this happens every September:

-> Because Reno is Artown. (Translation: The growing arts scene gets its own month in Reno, and then some — Artown is a year-round love affair for locals.)

-> Because a river runs through it (our city, that is).

3. You had some bad mahi-mahi for lunch, which caused temporary delirium, which inspired a complete memory lapse, and so the first place that even sprang to mind when you awakened from a food poisoning-inspired momentary loss of consciousness was Reno, Nevada, because you saw the recent Huffington Post article about how awesome it is here.

We’re so sorry for the bad fish. Next time, we’d suggest a nice roasted tomato basil en croûte from our favorite lunch haunt by celebrity chef Mark Estee, Chez Louie, which is located just inside the Nevada Museum of Art.

You guessed it: in Reno, Nevada.

It’s far safer. Trust us.

4. It’s bizarro day in your personal bizarro world, so you’re saying the exact opposite of what you mean.

In which case, we understand how this:

…is equal to this:

Because they’re EXACTLY opposite. Well played, Miyagi. We bow to your mad bizarro comparison ninja skillz.

5. Your parents were students of Pavlovian conditioning response, and as a fun experiment when you were young, they trained you to say “Reno, Nevada is a dump” every time someone asked you “Where’s the worst place you can ever imagine being for a weekend.”

They likely never thought they’d see the fruits of their painstaking efforts, but it happened today. I’m sure you made them quite proud.

6. You’re being a little funny.

There it is: the most likely explanation. You’re a comedian, after all. You’re known for your use of raw, biting humor. Your bits are full of paradox and unexpected turns of phrase and nuanced wordplay. It stands to reason you’d be witty and biting and maybe a tad ironic when you talk about Reno, Nevada as anything other than awesome.

Awww, we get it now. Haha LOL LMFAO. Thanks for the ab workout while we enjoyed the joke.

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And there you have it. So whatever the reason, please know this: I still love you like a sister. Even though half a million people have watched that clip on the BBC’s Facebook page in the last 12 hours.

No biggie.

Because as previously mentioned, Reno, Nevada is full of awesomeness. And forgiveness. And love — even for those who dump on us.

In other words: even for you, A-Schu.

And in case you’re interested, I’m extending to you a personal and open invitation to Reno, Nevada (or to the close-by, crystal blue waters of Lake Tahoe).

You bring the jet ski and J-Law; I’ll bring the sensible hat and proper book.

XOXO,

M-Bye