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To My Fellow Yogis: I Apologize for the Silent But Deadly Gas Attack

Gas Attack in YogaI didn’t mean to do it.

When my best friend asked me to attend a hot yoga class with her the following morning, I couldn’t think of a better way to start our Saturday.

I also didn’t give my selection of vegetables at Friday night’s dinner a second thought.

Hindsight is 20/20, and I now know that having a combination of Brussel sprouts, beets and broccoli was a dangerous mix.

I realized my error as I went to bed that night, and my bloated stomach started to gurgle.

And then it came…

A truly silent but deadly fart. A GIANT silent but deadly assault.

I mean it’s BAD when you gross yourself out.

I didn’t want to suffocate my husband while we slept, so I got up and frantically swallowed 4 Gas-X pills.

When I woke up at 3am to pee, I swallowed another 4, because that gas was still flowing.

The following morning, I woke up and got ready for yoga thinking that the gas attack had passed.

Everything was fine until my BFF and I entered the completely jam-packed hot yoga class at 8am. It was so packed that people had to move their mats to make room for us.

The thing with yoga is that there is a lot of twisting.

And compression of the abdominal muscles.

When that first silent but deadly fart sneaked out in yoga class, I was horrified.

I don’t know about you, but I find the silent farts pack the most stench. This was one of those where it smelled like something had crawled up my ass and died. Four weeks ago. The stench seemed to be magnified by the 95-degree temperature and 60 percent humidity in the yoga studio.

And the gas just kept coming.

But God bless those peaceful yogis. No one batted an eye. Everyone just kept on flowing while I just kept on releasing the pressure, modifying almost every pose to ensure that the gas didn’t come out of me in a loud way that would give away my stinky secret.

I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. And I’ve learned my lesson — no more mixing of multiple gas-causing vegetables within 24 hours of a yoga class. I promise.

 

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