Do you ever just wake up and feel like ‘now what?’ I woke up this morning, and I just feel really sad. Sad because I feel like the universe is just kind of giving me the cold shoulder. I’m going through a multitude of really harsh realities right now, and I find myself wishing that I could just hold on to moments past, but the moments just keep passing. Life is about change and transition and to embrace it is strength. I know this, and I accept this, but what do you do in the moments where you can’t find a branch to grab on to?
I’m on a good path. My husband and I have really buckled down some goals and decisions, and we are chipping away at them one by one. I find a lot of strength in this unit with him, and I’m so grateful for that because that’s my bracing point. Still, I’m sad. I feel like I’m watching the Star Wars credits, but it’s my life flying past me like shooting stars. There’s the basics that are always changing, like work and money; I don’t put too much emotional stock into those things, I just try to roll with the punches in that regard.
It’s the important things like family that I feel like I can’t get a hold of today. Our children go through these changes in who they are, what they need from you and what they give back to you as well. I have an 11-year-old little girl going through this huge transition from playfulness to this deeply sentient young lady trying to define her identity, and I just want to stop it. It’s not always pretty. She’s changing, and all of a sudden instead of grabbing my hand, she keeps me an elbow away.
My 21-year-old son is moving away. He’s been out of the house for a few years now. He’s always been a stone’s throw away, so I generally know what he’s up to, and there is comfort in that for a mother. We are close, but he didn’t leave on my terms, and I wasn’t ready. He was ready to take on the world. And he is now — kind of callous about it really. It feels harsh. Like a goodbye. I’m excited for his new adventure. I’m proud and I’m so glad he’s grabbed on to that independence, but I want to grab on. It’s a very contradictory feeling of emotional inertia.
It makes me wonder what’s next in this stage of being a mother. I feel like I have to start over from scratch trying to connect with these humans that I brought into the world, but instead of keeping them alive, I have a whole new role. Just when you think you’ve got this parenting stuff down, you get hit with a giant meteor, and all of a sudden you are in the twilight zone. Parenting isn’t always peachy, and as much as I would like to think I’ve got it all together, I’m feeling a little lost.
So today I’m just in the feels. I suppose this is just another one of those moments I’m supposed to take in and let transition me. For anyone else that might understand, perhaps you could share some insight.
Angelina Marie Jones is a coffee-drinking, spatula-wielding home baker, sensible-flats-but-red-lips kind of mom and wife. Born and raised in Reno, she has two fantastic kids ages 21 and 11. She is newly married, has the world’s coolest dog and celebrates her Midtown pride.