Do your children know how to play kickball? Not are your children kickball champions. Not do your children live to play a competitive, win-at-all-costs, game of kickball? Just do they know how? Are they aware that there exists a wonderful, glorious, magical game called kickball?
I pray that the answer is yes although I have reason to believe that this is not the case. It recently came to my attention that children between the ages of six and eleven have not learned how to play kickball. These particular kids hadn’t even heard of it! Can you believe that madness? I was blown away when I suggested that this particular group of children play a game of kickball and they looked at me as though I had suggested that we spend the morning solving multivariate calculus problems.
Kickball? What’s kickball? We don’t know how to play.
That’s okay, I assured them, it’s just like baseball only you kick the ball instead of hit it with a bat.
ONLY THEY DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO PLAY BASEBALL.
How does a child born and raised in America not know how to play baseball? Again, I don’t expect them to know how to pull off a squeeze bunt or which player has the highest batting average in the American League. I do, apparently foolishly, expect that every child of school age to have at least a vague understanding that in baseball, you run around a set of bases in order to score runs while the other team tries to get you out. Plus, in kickball you’re usually allowed to peg the baserunner with the ball; a big advantage over baseball, if you ask me!
These particular children, however, didn’t have the first clue what I meant by a “batting order” or “first base”. Seriously.
If your child is one of these children, one who, when told to “RUN, RUN TO FIRST BASE!” instead stands stock still on home plate and stares at the crazy lady screaming, then please, I strongly urge you, take your child outside and teach her how to play kickball.
Please tell me that I’m wrong. Please tell me that your children know how to play kickball and that this particular group of children is just amazingly undereducated in the finer aspects of life. Tell me that your children are not being deprived of the game wherein you can get an out by pegging the base runner with a ball. Don’t tell me that your children don’t like to sweat, are afraid of getting dirty and don’t know how to catch a giant rubber ball when it comes flying at them. Because that just makes me sad for the future of the world.