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Your Fool-Proof Guide to Getting Lucky this St. Patrick’s Day

unlucky in loveI have a confession to make.

I desperately need to get lucky.

Seriously. The situation is dire. It has been soooooooo long.

Since I’ve felt lucky. In love. Sheesh, people — get your minds out of the gutter. This is a family website, after all.

Anyhow, yes, my own personal romantic history is rife with the twists and turns that might only characterize a really bad Lifetime movie starring Melissa Gilbert. Or at least a first-time screenplay by an aspiring Hollywood writer who is trying WAY TOO HARD to make the protagonist persevere through the most unbelievable of unlucky situations.

Want proof? I wrote more about this here, but the Cliff’s Notes version is as follows: My most notable romantic relationships have met their demise for the following reasons.

  • Contracting a childhood illness — when I was not a child
  • Intercepting a message of undying love sent by my then-husband to another woman that was inscribed on a literal, physical brick
  • The need to file for a Temporary Protection Order
  • Police showing up and arresting my future-ex, and his subsequent sentencing to life in prison

I shit you not. And yes, these were four different relationships.

So perhaps you can understand why I personally feel it has been a long, long time since I’ve felt lucky in love.

But you know what? It’s Saint Patrick’s Day. I’m Irish (Supposedly, though I haven’t quite completed the 23andMe swab test to know for sure.) I have red(dish) hair and blue eyes. I enjoy green beer. Hell, I even ate a bowl of Lucky Charms this morning.

See? Luck is practically my birthright.

And I figure some of you might also feel the need to get lucky, right along with me. Most of you reading this are parents, so statistically, many of you may be divorced, or contemplating divorce, or maybe you’re just navigating a rough patch and feeling a wee bit unlucky on this most green of days.

Well you’re in luck.

Because I’ve heard tale of this idea that we “make our own luck.”

(Uh huh. You read that right. You can whip up a fresh batch of it tonight after dinner and before binge watching Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt on Netflix.)

I’m a practical girl. If I can make my own luck, well then, there has to be a recipe. Am I right? I mean, no one expects you to throw together a cake, or a pie, or some brownies (can you tell I’m hungry?) without some sort of guidance.

Obviously, I am desperately in need of that step-by-step guide to help me make the perfect potion of luck that my history proves I’ve been sorely, painfully missing.

So with the goal of finding a tried-and-true recipe for luck in mind, I set off on an epic journey powered by white wine, a Wi-Fi connection and a will to succeed.

I’m going to find the recipe for a batch of luck, dammit. Even if it kills me (which, let’s face it, with my luck, is a sincere possibility.)

And here’s what I found. I scoured the far corners of the Internet, identifying what key people (well, um, allegedly “key” because they came up in my search results when I typed “how to make my own luck”) have to say about how to make luck.

So here you are. You’re welcome. See how lucky you are?

Step 1. Don’t poop in the southwest corner of your home.

Patty Tran, creator and founder of Hipster Feng Shui, says the southwest corner of your home is the love and relationship area, so having a toilet here is well — um — “not ideal.”

“When located in the southwest, toilets can severely impact your luck when it comes to finding love and can even drain your current relationships,” she writes.

Get it? “Drain”? Come on now. That’s a little funny.

But let’s suppose you just quickly compiled a mental map of your home and discovered — holy SHIT — your bathroom is smack dab in the southwest!

(I know you’re shocked to learn this given the overflowing waves of luck washing up on the shores of my life, but guess where my bathroom is? Bingo.)

But there’s hope. Tran says you can do the following to counteract the overwhelming bad luck you’re obviously inviting into your life because your shitter is in the wrong region of your home. Namely:

  • “Keep the toilet seat covered.” (I’m assuming she does not mean while you’re actually pooping and/or peeing, however. Just an FYI.)
  • “Place a large stone on top of the toilet to negate negative chi.” (Because visitors to your home will never, ever think you’re crazy because there’s a giant rock sitting on top of the commode.)red flowers in bathroom
  • “Hang a windchime with five rods near the toilet.” (You’ll be happy to know that 9 out of 10 crazy people agree that hanging a wind chime in a bathroom? Also a totally NOT CRAZY thing to do.)
  • “Place red flowers and plants in the bathroom to boost the chi in this sector.” (Done and pictured at right. Thank you, Trading Spaces! Because you can never have too many red flowers. Obvs.)

Step 2: Make sure there’s nothing hiding under your bed, especially clowns. (Though I may have just added that last part myself because I saw Poltergeist, and it scarred me for life.)

According to a report on IndiaTVNews.com, your home is a solution to all things unlucky ONLY if it is vastu friendly. “A house with correct vastu brings positivity, good luck and lots of happiness. It even holds answers for enhancing your love life,” this news article advises.

So what are some tenets of being “vastu friendly,” you ask? Good question. And here’s a good explanation:

“To create peace and serenity in your love life, remove all the clutter from your home, especially under your bed, as it weighs you down and keeps your mind subtly connected to the past. The clutter makes everything stagnant.”

(Writer’s note: Plus, if there’s nothing under your bed, then you can quickly scan for clowns. Hypothetically, of course. Not that I do that every night. Nope. Not me.)

Step 3: Double EVERYTHING.

Cathleen McCandless, feng shui expert with San Diego Feng Shui, advises the following: “Ladies, go through your space and notice what images or items you have on display that depict single items: pictures of one person, one cat. If you have one candle, put another next to it. If you’re a single mother, start to pair up the toys. If you have a painting with a single image, you want one with two images. Go to an art web site and type in ‘pair’ or ‘couple.’ This creates a template to your brain that says ‘pair = good.’ ”

Oh, I get it. Pair = good. That makes perfect sense. So looking around my home, I have two of pretty much everything: pictures, candles, a window on either side of my bed…but wait. I have three children. Damn: That’s what’s holding me back! I need to have another child. Or is it three more children?

Regardless: Problem solved. Check and check. (See what I did there?)

Step 4: Don’t hang out with people who move their feet.

Vanessa “Lady Maverick” Rousso, professional poker player with more than $3 million in winnings, says to look for “tells” to gauge a person’s honesty.

“People move their feet when they are uncomfortable, or being dishonest. This is rooted in the primal urge to ‘fight or flight’ when we sense danger. Since someone who is lying subconsciously senses a danger of being caught, their instincts kick in and their foot may move. This phenomenon occurs instinctually, and most people aren’t aware that they do it.”

Ok. Got it. Only date people with feet that don’t move. Duly noted.

So there you have it. The recipe for luck is as follows:

Demolish my home, because the toilet is in the southwest corner; cut off the legs of my bed so nothing is getting under it (especially clowns). Have another baby (or three). And hang out with men who sit entirely still, though they can flail their arms and be all shifty eyed, naturally.

I’m feeling luckier already. How about you?

Yeah, probably not. Whatever. Luck is highly overrated.

So if you’ll excuse me, with that magical, fresh batch of luck churning away in my personal giant pot of awesome, I’m going to go set up Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and pour myself a giant green beer. Because sadly, I fear I’m not getting lucky tonight.

IN LOVE, people. Sheesh…


About Mikalee Byerman

Mikalee Byerman
Voted "Best Creative Writer" in 2018 by readers of the Reno News & Review, Mikalee Byerman will henceforth be talking about this distinction ad nauseam because it's the first and only popularity contest this former buck-toothed nerd has ever won in her life. She is a humor essayist whose highly controversial blog, Me 2.0, has been featured on the Huffington Post and TIME Magazine's websites. Her writing also has appeared in Ladies’ Home Journal, Southwest Spirit Magazine and Alaska Airlines Magazine. Her debut book — 100 Things to Do in Reno Before You Die — was published last year by Reedy Press. During the day, she is VP of Strategy for the Estipona Group. Oh, and her name rhymes with "prickly fireman," though FYI, she's neither prickly nor a fireman.

One comment

  1. Haha! I love this! My bathroom is in the middle of my home… I can only imagine how that’s messing up my chi in every which direction!

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