Geckos. Apparently geckos are scary. They haunt the dreams of a toddler, which results in a 4:00 a.m. wake-up call to the already over exhausted mommy. An hour and 45 minutes later child one is asleep again, and child two in utero is kicking up a storm, creating feelings of hunger. Maslow’s Hieracrchy of needs causes a battle between food or sleep. Which one do you want more, tired mama?
Pregnancy is a wonderful and miraculous thing. I love being pregnant. When carrying Noah, I would stand in front of the mirror looking at my belly and imagine what he would look like. I would sit in the chair I planned to rock him to sleep in, and spend hours preparing his room and washing his little clothes. I made hats and booties and an elaborate blanket. I scrapbooked his ultrasound photos right away. I spent all my time falling in love with him and marveling over the wondrous miracle of life.
Little brother…. I’m so sorry. Here we are, half way through…. you have a quarter of a blanket, I haven’t read a single book to prepare for your coming, have no idea if you will get a nursery or if your bassinet will be by my bed until you move in with big brother. Oh bassinet….yeah…that’s somewhere in the garage still. I know it will come together but I can’t figure out how or when! Time seems to be gallivanting along.
Between pursuing a graduate degree, full time employment, and full time motherhood…the hood is falling apart, the mother is wilting of exhaustion, the schooling and work is happening in a stress colored fog…and geckos would probably make me cry right now too.
The mommy guilt is all consuming. I feel guilty that little brother isn’t getting the same thoughtful devotion, I feel guilty that Noah gets a too-tired-to-play mom who can’t offer the same focus and attention he is used to. This is my attempt to get over the guilt and find peace with where it’s at right now. I hope I’m not the only “pregnant with a toddler” mama who feels this way! Can you relate?
1. There’s a load of clothes in the wash since Sunday that never got switched to the dryer….um…probably because there is a load in the dryer too
– I’m grateful to have a washing machine and dryer!
2. There are two days worth dishes piled in the sink.
-Evidence of the food we have to eat.
3. TV time has become “most of the time”….when we finally get home I just need to sit!
-Noah is learning about all kinds of worldly things….like the food chain….and how geckos eat the ants.
4. I can’t think of one new thing I’ve learned in my current graduate class.
-My masters degree is half way done.
5. I sneak candy and cookies to eat when Noah isn’t looking.
-He won’t end up with silver caps.
6. Going to the grocery store counts as going for a walk.
7. I’ve seriously considered using the gym just for the locker room. Then I could shower and shave, and all that jazz while Noah is in the child care play room.
-Call it social-emotional learning.
8. Kick counting? Amount of protein eaten counting? How many weeks/days pregnant counting? Gaining weight counting?
-Nope. Nope. Pretty sure 21 weeks now. And nope.
9. Childbirth classes and breathing exercises….
-I’m pretty sure labor the first time happened the way it was going to happen regardless of how great I was at breathing. I don’t know, maybe I’ll reread some info about birthing before we get to that point.
10. If I have a productive day, I feel like Super Mom, but the minute I get home I can’t wait for bedtime. Isn’t it 7:45 yet? Damn. Super Damn.
Amanda Schlatter is a Reno mom of 2 year old Noah, a teacher for the school district, and an advocate for children and families. After seven years of suffering the disease of infertility, she and her husband finally succeeded in pregnancy through the help of a charity called Baby Quest. More can be read about her journey at www.babyjailbreak.blogspot.com