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Dear ‘To Stay or To Go’

This entry is part 10 of 12 in the series Mom Confessions

We received this anonymous response to a recent Mom Confession entitled To Stay or To Go Only on RMB — an anonymous conversation! 


holding handsDear ‘To Stay or To Go,’

When I read your confession, I cried for you. You see, I reluctantly divorced my college sweetheart after 12 years of marriage. Reluctantly. I know how that sounds. I know you understand what I might mean.

I have been exactly where you are today. I was a full-time working mom who loved her job and colleagues. Cheerful and happy at work, I was impatient, negative and could be a complete bitch at home.

I was my worst self when I was around him. I got to a point where I felt no love for him whatsoever and it broke my heart into a million pieces. After six years apart, I still feel a dull ache inside when I think about it.

When I was home, I found any excuse to escape. I would work out for two-three hours every day. I would make an unreasonable number of breakfast, lunch, and dinner plans with friends. I worked a lot. I was hyper focused on my three busy children. I would read an entire book in one sitting. I ran. Literally and figuratively.

My life looked perfect. Sometimes it even felt perfect. But it wasn’t.

I didn’t want my kids to come from a broken family, yet my family was already broken.

I was worried about my son and two daughters. I was worried what others might think. I was worried what God would think. I was worried about the finances and the logistics. I was also worried about me.

I was dying inside, and despite seeing four different marriage therapists and putting forth my best effort to work it out, I knew in my heart of hearts what I was going to do. Did I really reach a point of no return? I’ll never know. All I knew at the time was that I had to make a decision – to stay or go.

I went.

I was the one who wanted to go. It tore me apart inside. Piece by piece. I had no idea if I was making the right decision. I may never know but I spent years trying to decide. My intangible list of pros and cons felt balanced and equally weighted.

What I do know is that all three of my kids are happy. They still have two parents that love them to the ends of the earth.

I know the finances and the logistics fall into place.

I know these feelings that you’re having come and go.

I know it is a hard and ugly process. I know although there is no reason to be, you can feel embarrassed by your feelings or your choice.

I know there is no right or wrong choice.

I know – for a little while – it’s painful at every turn. I was letting go of the person I wanted to love but couldn’t. I was letting go of the person I wanted to spend my life with but couldn’t. My friends judged me. Family members judged me. Co-workers judged me. I’m sure that some who are reading this post, will judge me.  I lost a lot of friends. I also made new ones.

I know I’m a different person now. So is he.

I know that I can finally be me. So can he.

I know some damage is irreversible even though the optimist in me wants to believe otherwise.

I know that hurting someone at their very core hurts you at your very core, and that twinge of pain can come and go. Even when you are happy and thriving. Even when you are finally your best self.

I know that whether you stay or go, the five of you will always be a family. Always a family, no matter what. I know this is a good thing.

I know I’ve started to remember the good times and sometimes I find myself missing them.

I know that whether you stay or go, there will be moments of regret that will be quickly followed by “I made the best and right decision for me and my always family.” I know that truth brings peace.

I know I have no real regrets.

I was not surprised by the number of comments you received about staying together for the kids, changing your inner monologue, putting your husband first, rekindling, choosing to love, and forgiving.

I know all of this is great advice, and I hope from a place deep in my soul that you find your way home.

But if you don’t, I know you will make it.

 

Sincerely,

You are never alone

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About Mom Confessions

Mom Confessions
Some things you just don't want to say on the Internet and have it associated with you for the rest of your life. Some things are controversial. You may not want to offend your friends or family members. Mom Confessions is your outlet to vent and start a conversation with other local moms about things that feel too raw or risqué to say in a public forum with your name attached to it. If you have a submission for Mom Confessions, submit it here. Your secret is safe with us!

2 comments

  1. OMG. Thank you for this.

  2. Truly beautiful. What a warm and encouraging response – a virtual hug indeed.

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