Remember the days when you were trying to conceive your children and missing our period was a momentous occasion and running to the drugstore to buy a stick to pee on was beyond exciting and waiting to see the result was the most exhilarating two minutes of your life and finally seeing the positive result brought you the happiest tears you’ve ever cried?!?!
Fast-forward five years and two kids later when you’re done having kids and you’re sitting at your desk and BAM! You look at the calendar and it hits you like a ton of bricks that your period is late. Panic sets in. You’re at work. You can’t just get up and leave so you painstakingly wait it out until lunch. Noon finally hits and you bolt out the door to the drugstore. You get home and wait the l-o-n-g-e-s-t two minutes of your life. You play everything over in your head. “We were careful, right? This has to be a fluke. We can’t have another kid. What are we going to do?” Just when you’ve freaked yourself out enough to almost make you sweat, the timer goes off. You turn the stick over. Negative. And so is the second test. A little relief, but another day goes by and still no period. You think the tests were defective. You call your OBGYN. They give you few reasons other than pregnancy why a period might be late. They tell you you can come in for a blood test to be sure, but that you can give it more time. Another day goes by. It’s been about a week now. Then, just as quickly as your panic set in when this whole thing started, Aunt Flo arrives. Relief! You call your husband. He’s definitely relieved. You finish your day. You come home and sometime after you’ve made dinner, done dishes, given baths, read stories, put two exhausted kids to bed and made lunches for the next day, it hits you. Sadness. You’re not pregnant. No more kids. The two asleep in their beds are it. You wonder why on earth you feel sad when days earlier you practically gave yourself a panic attack over the thought of another one.
This happened to me last week. I realized that while my husband and I are done having kids and while the thought of another one is overwhelming, it’s also a little sad. The kids we have are so wonderful and another one would be such blessing. I felt nostalgic for my kids’ time as babies. All those precious moments will never happen again. I also felt guilty though. Having once miscarried I felt ashamed for feeling so negative about the possibility of another child especially since I would have done anything to change the outcome of that miscarriage.
I think most people would agree that your perception of pregnancy and children changes once you’ve been through it. So I gave myself a break for not be overjoyed at the thought of another child. While they are wonderful, I know the realities of the bringing another human being into this world. We are just fine as a family of four.