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So, Where Are Your Manners?

Remember your manners for children's birthday partiesI will never forget my 8th grade graduation. I went to a small private school that was K-8th, so graduating from 8th grade was a big deal. And, lucky me, I received some pretty great gifts. But there was one gift that stuck in my mind, and the only one I definitely still have today: Emily Post’s Etiquette (15th Edition).  Granted, at 13, I was about as excited with this gift as a surprise pop quiz, but in the 18 years since I received it, it has come in handy more times than I can count, especially when I need to know how to set a table. Two parts in particular, the Celebration and Correspondence sections, are in desperate need of a reread for pretty much everyone, especially when it comes to children’s parties.

Why do all manners go out the door when it comes to children’s parties? Why is it now ok to not RSVP (by the way, if you missed it, Reno Mom’s Blog contributor Jessica Santina had an excellent article on the necessity of an RSVP here), to show up an hour late without prior notice, and to think that an invite for one child automatically means the rest of your extended family is invited, too? And as a host, are thank you notes required anymore? Should we accommodate kids with food allergies?

It isn’t ok to forget the niceties of life that make things easier. Usually, the host (aka mom) of a children’s party has been planning this event for weeks, stressing over who has decided they are now on a gluten-free diet and can’t eat pizza, renting play equipment and praying the weather holds, and spending way too much time and money making party favors.  She’s the poor sap who deeply regrets suggesting a big party and looks like she needs a drink. So when you, the invitee, don’t bother to RSVP, or show up so fashionably late you’ve missed half the party, you’re sending mom into an early grave.

After all, let’s be honest, kid parties are expensive, and they are made vastly more so by wasting money on food, favors, and prepaid reservations when you don’t know who is coming to your event or when they’ll be there. I recently attended a party for a friend’s daughter who invited all of her classmates and not a single one RSVP’d.  She had no idea whether zero or over twenty people were attending. Another friend this past week was on Facebook reminding everyone to RSVP since out of her forty person invite list only five bothered to.

So let’s make a pact now, Reno Moms, to stop causing our fellow sisters to go gray and start respecting decent party manners.  That means:

For the Guests:

  • RSVP, even if the RSVP is no. You won’t be hurting anyone’s feelings if you can’t attend, but you’ll be pissing a few people off if you never take the time to respond to an invitation.
  • Unless you’ve got something planned beforehand and already informed your host, remember 15 minutes is fashionably late, not an hour or more.  Show your host the courtesy of your timely presence.  And for the love of all that is holy, unless you’re arriving early to help set up and have made this explicit arrangement beforehand, the host does not want to see you until the party starts!
  • Your child was invited, and unless otherwise stated, that does not mean your child’s siblings, cousins, or best friends who are just hanging out.  If you have a baby in tow obviously that’s fine, but please don’t assume all children in your home are invited.  If you must bring your other kids, make sure to check with the host first.

And for the Host:

  • Food allergies: Remember the days when you could take a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to school? Those days have gone the way of the VCR, friends. It’s wise as the host to have a reminder on the RSVP to contact you if there is an allergy concern and then make sure to provide alternatives to children that have them.  Also, be careful handing out candies in goody bags or have special ones set aside for children with allergies. When in doubt, save the food package for the parent to examine.
  • Make sure to thank your guests for the gifts your child receives.  Here’s where darling Emily and I disagree.  I am a firm believer in thank you notes and consider them a dying art, so I send them out. However, Emily Post says that a thank you in person will suffice for children’s parties. Either way, someone took time out of their day and spent money to celebrate your child’s birthday.  You need to thank them.

Basic manners go a long way to making the party a more enjoyable experience for everyone. And a word of warning to those who don’t give a damn about manners: what goes around in partyland comes around.   That mom you never RSVP’d to and showed up late to her kid’s party? She’s getting you back, times a surprise extended family gathering showing up right at your door.

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About Lauren Bradfield

Lauren Bradfield
Lauren Bradfield is a Nevada transplant from the Great California Migration of the 1990′s, where her family moved to Incline Village. She attended UNR and graduated with a BA in English Writing. Shortly after, she and her now husband moved across the world to begin an adventure with the US Government where they lived in multiple countries and did cool things that she can’t openly discuss. All that came to a head during the Arab Spring Uprising in 2011 when they were evacuated out of Tripoli, Libya under gunfire. Realizing this probably wasn’t an ideal environment to raise a family, they left the government and moved back to Reno in 2012 to work in the family business and hopefully rule the world (she kids, but seriously…). Apparently, leaving Reno and moving back once you have kids is a common trend since a majority of their college friends have done so, proving that Reno truly is the best place to raise a family. Now Lauren is mom to two crazy boys and a labrador retriever who has decided that he will remain a puppy indefinitely. Lauren loves to travel, write, read, pretend she’s amazing at pilates, eat high-gluten foods, and basically anything that gets her more involved in Northern Nevada.

3 comments

  1. Not RSVP’ing drives me INSANE! I always RSVP whether I am able to attend a function or not. I don’t understand why this is so hard for people to do, even with huge events like weddings! Great post!

  2. This is a great article, Lauren, and bears truth. People these days don’t realize how important the rsvp is to the hostess. I gave my daughter-in-law a bridal shower, that I happily put a lot of work into, with a large guest list, asking for “regrets only”, which one begins to wonder if people know what that means. Half of the guests didn’t show up, nor did they notify me that they wouldn’t be there. It’s not only rude to the hostess, but also to the bride-to-be. It sends a message that this is not worth their time.

  3. Thanks for this. I would add that if people are unsure whether they can attend it’s ok to say maybe, as long as you change it before the party to yes or no. Additionally, I think it’s ok to come late if you have let the host know in advance that that will be the case. If you are a single parent or a spouse is out of town you may have 3 things going on that day and only one you to get everyone everywhere. As long as the host knows this ahead of time I think that’s fine. Any easy fix to food allergies in terms of goody bags is to leave out the food. Lots of cheap toys and knick knacks are available online. I had a friend tell me she saved those things for long airplane and car rides when the kids needed something to do.

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